At a White Elephant party a few years ago, we were fortunate enough to win a dear, fairly large, stuffed-animal turkey. He looked like he’d been dressed by Vera Bradley. We quite admired him and felt we’d gotten a real prize. We put him on a high shelf, in the hall closet for the reasons cited below. When we returned from a brief out-of-town trip, we discovered he was gone. Shortly after that, his original “parents” called and said he had returned home with the accompanying letter.
We miss him but he is with his rightful family. Clearly, he had a few things to say about us that were not entirely flattering. They were, however, correct. I share his letter to his family with you, not without some level of shame.
THOMAS T. TURKEY
HILTON HEAD, SC.
Dear Mommy and Daddy:
Just exactly what the hell you were you thinking when you auctioned me off as a “white elephant” at that silly party? I felt betrayed, and to be honest, a little dirty….as something with a mere price on my head. All our years together I’ve been your Thanksgiving centerpiece. Have you no respect? No affection? No memories of all our good times together?
Anyway, that family stuck me on a top shelf in a closet…ostensibly because they have cats and were afraid they might rip up my outsides and tear out my stuffing. That’s all well and good except they put me the closet where one of the cats tosses its favorite toy named “Baby”.
All day long, those people say:
”Oh, Felix, did you put Baby in the closet again”?
“Oh, let’s go look, Felix”.
”Oh, look , Felix, there she is, in the closet….just where you put her.”
And on and on. Nauseating. Truly.
Life in this house, as they say, is not exactly a bowl of cherries,… or cranberries…for which I long. I am, after all, born to celebrate Thanksgiving and from what I can see of these people’s kitchen, there’s not a whit of cooking going on. I know she keeps sweaters in one of the ovens. What does that tell you?
As it turns out, they were gone for a couple of days in October. They had a cat sitter who left the closet open where “Baby” lives and I snuck out.
I jumped down from the shelf, waddled into the kitchen, knowing that I would never be discovered there and found this sack in which I am coming home.
Please don’t ever give me away again.
I love you.
We join Tommy in wishing you and yours…all creatures large and small…a very happy Thanksgiving.