Most likely, if you’ve had any contact with me over the last five years, you know about The Foot. It has a neurological disorder which is more of an annoyance than anything but sometimes it has enough pain to go past annoyance. All attempts in the south of finding an answer have failed so I decided to go to the BIG centers of competence where, supposedly, they could come up with a solution.
We wrote and within a day or two I got a phone call from one of them. The call was from the pain doctor’s assistant and she said she felt sure they could help me. Wow! This is good.
I said I’d send them my stuff…..all the data, etc. and then the doctor and I could have a phone conversation, or even Skype if he wanted to see what the foot likes to do and shouldn’t. She said that wouldn’t work. Why not, I said. It didn’t take long for me to realize that they wanted me to be an in-patient. In what particular area would I be admitted, I asked. Well, you’d be in the Psychiatric and Geriatric Locked Ward for a month and then (if all goes well) into a halfway house for another month with a roommate where I could cook my own meals. (This has quickly gone from bad to worse.)
Nearly (and understandably) speechless, I slithered to the floor and, for some unfathomable reason, told her I could walk upstairs all by myself. I think that remark, irrelevant and having to do with absolutely nothing, confirmed her thinking that I was definitely in need of Psychiatric assistance. The Geriatric part goes without saying. Locked and Ward were still troubling words.
We chatted a bit. No clothes would be needed; they supply those. No cell phones allowed; there’s one public phone so she suggested I bring a couple of rolls of quarters and be prepared to stand in line when I chose to make a call. All drugs that I take now (one) would be confiscated. How about visitors….like my husband? Did I not understand the “locked” part of this? No innie/no outie. Can you spell ankle-bracelets that set off alarms??
She asked if I had any questions. I said indeed I did. Just one. A simple yes/no question. I was pretty sure I knew the answer but I asked anyway: “Do you have a wine list I can look at?”
I don’t recall her exact response. The foot still hurts occasionally but wine helps, as it always has. If scientists all agree….and they absolutely do… that alcohol IS a solution, you’d think those pain people would get with the program, wouldn’t you?
PS – Thanks and kudos to Susan Mrosek of ponderingpool.com for this week’s graphic!